8 things Times Square would say if it could talk

It's a must for tourists and an avoidance for locals, but if Times Square had its own internal monologue, it would likely embody the brassiest New York broad. From wondering just how many counterfeit Elmos can congregate together to softening when a Broadway cast hits the street for a performance, the mind behind Times Square would be as hectic and quick as a walk through it is.  

If you haven’t thought about at least one of the things Times Square would say if it could talk, are you even a New Yorker? 

1. “How many off-brand superheroes could possibly exist?”

A distorted Mickey Mouse is a special kind of nightmare, but an onslaught of Spider-Men and Captain Americas that just look wrong takes this fear to a whole new level. Don’t make eye contact with any of them, or you might never sleep soundly again. 

2. “Can that family of tourists move any slower?”

The mind behind Times Square has no patience for dawdlers and slowpokes. On its best days, it’ll grumble and tolerate visitors intently taking in the view, but watch out for when it’s in a bad mood. They won’t be bothered to say something; just expect a loud sigh and exaggerated maneuvering around a slow pack. 

3. “If I see one more amateur street performance…”

From breakdancing troupes to naked cowboys, Times Square has witnessed every kind of street performer, good or bad. Some may call this a front-row seat to the beauty of humanity, but in Times Square’s opinion, it’s a disturbance of peace. 

4. “Huh, I didn’t know a body could bend that way.”

Times Square may be jaded about street performers, but every now and then, the gravity-defying stunts some of these people pull off would magically woo it. 

5. “And people choose to cage themselves in here on New Year’s Eve?”

While trying to dodge teens on a field trip, survive extreme weather exacerbated by the bright lights of 42nd Street, and make it to the subway in one piece, the thought of people penned behind a barricade for hours on a wintry night is unbelievable. Like a classic New Yorker, Times Square would scoff at these people and deny that the confetti shower at midnight gets them a little weepy every time. 

6. “Brace yourself, the theater people are coming.”

You can spot the Broadway casts emerging from their theaters a mile away, likely sporting matching T-shirts or full costumes for a televised performance outside. If Times Square was a person, they’d be that curmudgeonly neighbor banging on the ceiling with a broom at the slightest noise. When the Broadway people are approaching, this neighbor would practically have 911 on speed dial, but nothing stops a group of the musically inclined when there’s a stage nearby. 

7. “No, I’m not crying at the Sondheim medley, you are!”

Time Square’s tune may change when the melodious sound of show tunes fills the air. It’s easy to get lost in the hustle of midtown, but sometimes an “only in New York” moment like a peek at a Broadway show eases the daily tensions and anxieties. 

8. “Well, I guess this isn’t so bad.”

After the commuter crowds and late-night revelries die down around midnight, only a few passersby and the hum of the electric lights remain, and you can almost feel Times Square relaxing. When you have nothing but a glitzy view of billboards, theater marquees, and endless sidewalks, does a chaotic Times Square experience 98% of the time really sound that bad?